When Guests Move In…

 “Guests are like fish; after three days they begin to smell.”

Great Grandma

That poor woman missed out!

Guests come for lots of different reasons but today, I’m focusing on people who just need someplace safe to be.

Do you plan to host someone for three weeks or more? Here’s how to set yourself up for success. Have a talk with them on the very first night of their stay. Interview them. At the end of the conversation, you should have clear agreements and expectations, including how long they will stay. Don’t wait! It is often difficult or impossible to reset boundaries after people have lived with you for a month.

• Find out about their rhythm and explain yours to them.
• Find out what they eat for comfort food and if they need tea or coffee in the morning.
• Tell them what time you leave the house in the morning and which spaces you need to use to accomplish that.
• Give them their own key.
• Ask them questions like, “When you’re tired, how do you decompress? If you’re upset, should we come talk to you or just give you space? How much exercise do you like to get and what activities do you like to do? “
• If you need help with housework, be upfront! The request is reasonable and doesn’t have to sound like a demand. For example, say “I’m going to need some help. What kind of cleaning are you best at? Would you prefer to be in charge of cleaning up all the dinner dishes or of folding the laundry?”
• Write down notes about what they tell you.

We’ve had a couple families stay with us for extended visits. That first night’s interview was essential and some extra guidelines were included.

• If you are providing a place to stay, it is reasonable that the other family buy their own groceries. Be clear about what you’d like them to provide for themselves and be honest with yourself about your budget.
• If you have a second fridge, give the whole thing to them. If not, give them their own space to put supplies in your fridge. Label it! They also might need a shelf in your pantry. Label that too!
• If your schedules overlap quite a bit, it may be useful to divide meals. As in, the host family will cook dinner 4 nights a week and the guest family will cook/provide dinner 3 nights each week. Agree on the time!

It isn’t fun, but sometimes I have needed follow up conversations with my long-term guests. We reference the notes that were taken at the first conversation and look at the agreements that were made. If someone isn’t following through on their agreement, don’t let resentment build up. Just reference the notes and ask if anything has gotten in the way or if an adjustment needs to be made. The last thing you want to do is part with bitter hearts.

I’ve been homeless before. It’s surreal not to know where you’ll sleep at the end of the day. I was lucky enough to be single when it happened, but plenty of people with kids, and even a job experience this. These are life-changing opportunities for them and you. My hero was Sandy, who asked pointed questions about my situation and welcomed me into her home. She created clarity and comfort by setting clear boundaries and expectations, without judgement or emotion. Her actions have shaped me to this day. You can shape countless others.